ACT OF CONTRITION - BY A DEFENDANT IN CRIMINAL COURT

One of the first things that a good Catholic boy or girl learns as early as the second or third grade is how to recite the Act of Contrition.

Most kids that age can’t even understand the prayer.  (I used to say that I was “hardly sorry,” instead of “heartily sorry.”  If God ever caught that, he'd have been pissed!)  That's right, we had to memorize the prayer verbatim, otherwise not only would God ignore the prayer, He could use it to enhance your punishment.  

Yes, regardless of the intentions of the kid saying the prayer, if he or she didn’t nail every word perfectly, The Big Guy could invoke his right to reject the prayer as being fatally defective.  An invalid prayer.

Later, when I became a lawyer I decided to teach my clients a variation of the Catholic Act of Contrition by turning it into a plea to the court for approval of a favorable plea bargain.

Here’s the Catholic Act of Contrition:

Oh, my God,

I am heartily sorry, for having offended thee. 

And I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell.

But most of all, because they offend thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love.

I firmly resolve, with the help of they grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life.

Amen.

And here’s my “Criminal Defendant’s Plea”:

May it please The Court,

I am truly remorseful, for having violated probation.  

And I detest all my offenses, because I dread the heavy fines and the long jail sentence. 

But most of all, because I’ve betrayed thee, Your Honor, who art a fair and just jurist, deserving of strict obedience by the public.

I firmly enter into a deal, with the help of counsel, to plead guilty, get reinstated on the same terms and conditions, and resume my life as a law abiding citizen.

Respectfully submitted.