Thursday, February 2, 2012

WHAT MAKES RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THINK THAT GOD LIKES IT WHEN THEY PRAY?

We’re taught to believe that God, or at least his son, Jesus Christ, is made in our own image and likeness. 

One would assume that if that’s the case, he probably possesses human emotions as well. I mean, look at how Jesus acted when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He acted much as a weak and frail human might, so much so that he started to whine and cry like a little bitch when God the Father gave him instructions for the next day.  Yes, he would have to undergo some pain, but actually, it was only going to last for about three hours, and in exchange, he’d be redeeming the sins of all mankind.

Nobody likes pain, but when you think of what others have gone through, it wasn't going to be all that bad.  Consider all the things that other mere mortals have had to endure in defense of family, god or country, like the American soldiers who were tortured by the Japanese during World War II.  What about all the suffering endured by Union soldiers at Andersonville?  Now compare that to a lousy three hours of carrying a cross, getting nailed to it, and bleeding to death fairly quickly, and you'll see that it didn't look like it was going to be all that horrible.  Especially because Jesus knew in advance how long it was going to last, and as soon as it was going to be over, it was going to be nothing but honor and glory.

So we know that God has human emotions and human feelings.  Wouldn’t you also expect that he dislikes the same types of things that people dislike?  I'm talking specifically about situations when people bother and annoy and pester us about decisions we've made.

Take for example the case of Jim Jeroff. Jeroff is an ordinary God-fearing guy from upstate New York who, unfortunately, has testicular cancer. His wife, Jessica constantly prays that God either cure her husband, or at least lessen the pain he’s in.

The problem, however, is that Jeroff doesn't have cancer because God forgot about him or failed to protect him. Quite the opposite.  God’s the one who saw to it that Jeroff acquire the painful condition. And no amount of praying or pleading or whining or bitching about it is going to get God to change what he did.  After all, he knew what he was doing when he decided to give Jeroff cancer. It was the right thing to do under the circumstances. Why should the Big Guy go back on what he knows to have been the right thing?

Still, Jessica Jeroff would pray every night, begging and pleading that her husband be cured of the disease.

What did she get in exchange?  Nothing. 

So, she enlisted her kids to pray every night for their dad.  Still nothing.  Then her family.  Nada.  Finally, she went to her church and asked all the parishioners there to pray for her husband.

“Please God,"  members of the congregation implored, "please understand that Jim Jeroff is a really good man. He doesn't deserve the pain he's in.  He loves his wife, and he’s never cheated on her.”

In Heaven, God had to bite his lip.  As a rule, the Big Guy doesn't talk to living people.  If not for that prohibition, however, he'd have loved to shut the entire congregation up.

“Jeroff?  Never cheated?  Who do you think you're talking to?  What exactly do you know about it?  I don't usually tattle on members of my flock, but if you must know, folks, Jim Jeroff certainly has cheated on Jessica, many times.

"And not that it's any of your business, but that’s not the reason I’m punishing him. He went to confession and he admitted the adultery.  And he did his penance.   So that’s a red herring.

"And I knew he was sorry.  He didn't have to tell me, because I already knew.  I'm God, after all.

"No, if you must know, I gave Jeroff cancer because he also broke my Ninth Commandment - four times, all in the last three years.  Practically every time he'd find himself in the company of his neighbor’s wife, he lusted.  Not every time, but often enough.  And he never once acknowledged his coveting in the confessional.

"Now, just one instance of coveting thy neighbor's wife is enough to send Jeroff to hell for eternity, so clearly he’s getting a very good deal.  I'm allowing him to do his penance here on earth.  Yes, he has to endure the cancer, but at least it stops for him at some point, and at that point, he gets to go to heaven.  In hell, the torture lasts for eternity!  

"Still, his family and fellow parishioners have the audacity to think me wrong for having stricken him cancer. They keep arguing that he’s a really good guy and doesn’t deserve the pain.

"Who do they think they are, questioning my decision?  Exactly what do they know about it?  Why would they think that I don’t understand how badly he’s hurting?  But they constantly annoy me, praying and begging and bothering me. 'Please, please, please, please!'"

“Oh, I wish they'd all just shut up and mind their own business!  It makes me sick!  I’ve had it with all of them. What in the world makes them think that I enjoy being pestered by a bunch of know-nothings who beg and plead and threaten – yes, threaten – to get me to give this guy a special break.  And why him?  Why not some other guy in some foreign land whom they don’t know? I’ve got half a mind to give every single one of them cancer for spending all of their time pestering me about this.

“Who ever came up with this idea that I like it when people bother me at all hours of the day and night, constantly questioning my decision making?  This is one that I made years ago.   And now, they have the nerve to consider their wants and needs superior to mine?  And it not just one person who persistently belabors the point, they get all of their friends and family, and sometimes even strangers, to interrupt what I’m doing and beg me to change my decision on this.  They're relentless!

"They train their kids to annoy me every night right before they go to bed.  And the kids do exactly as they're told.  Every night, it’s the same damned stuff.  'God bless Mommy and Daddy;  God bless Grandma and Grandpa;  God bless Aunt Shaniqua and Uncle Rolondo;  God bless baby Kahlif;  God bless my dead brother, Jamarcus;  God bless . . .'”  

"What?  Wait a second!  You want me to bless your dead brother?  Your dead brother?  You’re too late, numb-nuts, there’s no need for you to pray for your dead brother because he's already dead!  And, if you must know, he’s serving eternity in hell, so you can any hope of redemption goodbye!”

“Bless my dead brother. . . ”    I don't believe it.  Enough already! That kid said the exact same prayers last night.  What’s up with that?  Do they think that I don’t remember? 
 

"And that’s not the worst part. The worst part is when they go behind my back and pray to my mother!  That's right, they pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary to get her to intercede, trying to make me feel guilty for saying no to her.  Everyone knows how hard it is for me to say no to my mother. 

“Stop this nonsense, or I’ll send down plague and pestilence the likes of which you’ve never seen or heard of before.  I'll go old testament on you!”

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