RAY LEWIS: GOD HASN'T MADE A MISTAKE

After the AFC Championship game back in January, Ray Lewis of the losing Baltimore Ravens was being interviewed by the national sports media. Lewis responded most graciously to questions about his teammates, two of whom were thought to have lost the game for the Ravens. He was extraordinarily kind, saying that no one man wins or loses a game.

Well, Ray, it may very well be that no player can win a game all by himself, but it sure looked to me as if one player, Lee Evans, lost it all by himself.  He's the receiver for the Ravens who caught what would have been a dramatic TD pass with 22 seconds left in the game to win the playoff game and send the Baltimore Ravens to Super Bowl XLVI. 

Yes, that's right, he caught it.  The problem is that he didn't bother to hold onto it.  He had it for a split second and while he probably allowed himself to think of how he was going to celebrate, he somehow let it be stripped from him by Patriots DB Sterling Moore on a play that turned what would have been the game winning play into a simple incomplete pass.

So, while it may be that no one person can win a game in the NFL, I can tell you that if he holds onto the ball, the Ravens would have won the game, and there never would have been an attempted 32 yard field goal to go wide left at the end.  Oh, don't give me that bullshit about, "Well, there still would have been 22 seconds left."  Look, the Patriots had difficulty moving the ball and scoring TDs against the Ravens all afternoon, so there's no reason to believe that they could have done so in the last 22 seconds of the game.

Anyway, during his narrative, Lewis also came up with this totally bullshit quote about God that he undoubtedly heard from some dumbass, slick-talking Bible Belt preacher man, to the effect that, "God has never made a mistake."

Hmm, your God has never made a mistake, huh Ray? You mean to tell me that everything that happens in this world has been designed by the Big Guy?  Approved and executed to perfection?  Because just recently, I read something about Siamese Twins who were born to a woman in Southeast Asia comprised of two bodies and only one oversized head with what appeared to be two horrific faces merged into one.

My first inclination would be to think that this had to have the result of some mistake of nature.  Not according to Ray Lewis.  If one were to believe Lewis, it couldn't have been a mistake, because God's responsible for everything that happens, and he’s never made a mistake. 

Of course, why wouldn't anyone believe Ray Lewis on something like this?  He must know what he's talking about.  I mean, he's been to something like eight pro Bowls!  And one murder trial, but he doesn’t like to talk about that.  "I only obstructed justice!  I didn't commit any murder.  In fact, I'm not even sure the guy that I stabbed even died.  Anyway, they got the wrong guy.  It was my two co-defendants who killed him, not me.  I even told the jury that." 

Yes, Ray, but they didn't believe you.

Anyway, if that's an example of God's handiwork, I'd like to know exactly what the Big Guy had in mind when he allowed that to happen. One would think that he either did fuck up pretty badly, or, if Lewis is right, he has a pretty fucking sick sense of humor.

Ray Lewis can worship anyone he wants, real or fictional, including the God that designed the birth that I described, but people like me wouldn't do anything of the sort.  As far as I'm concerned, I'd wouldn’t have any use for that kind of supreme being.  In fact, I’d rather worship just about anyone or any entity instead of that asshole.

We see statues and other likenesses of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and she looks really pretty. I wonder if God ever gave any thought to having his son's mother born with two bodies and one oversized head and face. Or just someone who’s not particularly attractive.  I guess not. I mean, how would it look for the son of God to be born to some butter-face?

WHAT MAKES RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THINK THAT GOD LIKES IT WHEN THEY PRAY?

We’re taught to believe that God, or at least his son, Jesus Christ, is made in our own image and likeness. 

One would assume that if that’s the case, he probably possesses human emotions as well. I mean, look at how Jesus acted when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He acted much as a weak and frail human might, so much so that he started to whine and cry like a little bitch when God the Father gave him instructions for the next day.  Yes, he would have to undergo some pain, but actually, it was only going to last for about three hours, and in exchange, he’d be redeeming the sins of all mankind.

Nobody likes pain, but when you think of what others have gone through, it wasn't going to be all that bad.  Consider all the things that other mere mortals have had to endure in defense of family, god or country, like the American soldiers who were tortured by the Japanese during World War II.  What about all the suffering endured by Union soldiers at Andersonville?  Now compare that to a lousy three hours of carrying a cross, getting nailed to it, and bleeding to death fairly quickly, and you'll see that it didn't look like it was going to be all that horrible.  Especially because Jesus knew in advance how long it was going to last, and as soon as it was going to be over, it was going to be nothing but honor and glory.

So we know that God has human emotions and human feelings.  Wouldn’t you also expect that he dislikes the same types of things that people dislike?  I'm talking specifically about situations when people bother and annoy and pester us about decisions we've made.

Take for example the case of Jim Jeroff. Jeroff is an ordinary God-fearing guy from upstate New York who, unfortunately, has testicular cancer. His wife, Jessica constantly prays that God either cure her husband, or at least lessen the pain he’s in.

The problem, however, is that Jeroff doesn't have cancer because God forgot about him or failed to protect him. Quite the opposite.  God’s the one who saw to it that Jeroff acquire the painful condition. And no amount of praying or pleading or whining or bitching about it is going to get God to change what he did.  After all, he knew what he was doing when he decided to give Jeroff cancer. It was the right thing to do under the circumstances. Why should the Big Guy go back on what he knows to have been the right thing?

Still, Jessica Jeroff would pray every night, begging and pleading that her husband be cured of the disease.

What did she get in exchange?  Nothing. 

So, she enlisted her kids to pray every night for their dad.  Still nothing.  Then her family.  Nada.  Finally, she went to her church and asked all the parishioners there to pray for her husband.

“Please God,"  members of the congregation implored, "please understand that Jim Jeroff is a really good man. He doesn't deserve the pain he's in.  He loves his wife, and he’s never cheated on her.”

In Heaven, God had to bite his lip.  As a rule, the Big Guy doesn't talk to living people.  If not for that prohibition, however, he'd have loved to shut the entire congregation up.

“Jeroff?  Never cheated?  Who do you think you're talking to?  What exactly do you know about it?  I don't usually tattle on members of my flock, but if you must know, folks, Jim Jeroff certainly has cheated on Jessica, many times.

"And not that it's any of your business, but that’s not the reason I’m punishing him. He went to confession and he admitted the adultery.  And he did his penance.   So that’s a red herring.

"And I knew he was sorry.  He didn't have to tell me, because I already knew.  I'm God, after all.

"No, if you must know, I gave Jeroff cancer because he also broke my Ninth Commandment - four times, all in the last three years.  Practically every time he'd find himself in the company of his neighbor’s wife, he lusted.  Not every time, but often enough.  And he never once acknowledged his coveting in the confessional.

"Now, just one instance of coveting thy neighbor's wife is enough to send Jeroff to hell for eternity, so clearly he’s getting a very good deal.  I'm allowing him to do his penance here on earth.  Yes, he has to endure the cancer, but at least it stops for him at some point, and at that point, he gets to go to heaven.  In hell, the torture lasts for eternity!  

"Still, his family and fellow parishioners have the audacity to think me wrong for having stricken him cancer. They keep arguing that he’s a really good guy and doesn’t deserve the pain.

"Who do they think they are, questioning my decision?  Exactly what do they know about it?  Why would they think that I don’t understand how badly he’s hurting?  But they constantly annoy me, praying and begging and bothering me. 'Please, please, please, please!'"

“Oh, I wish they'd all just shut up and mind their own business!  It makes me sick!  I’ve had it with all of them. What in the world makes them think that I enjoy being pestered by a bunch of know-nothings who beg and plead and threaten – yes, threaten – to get me to give this guy a special break.  And why him?  Why not some other guy in some foreign land whom they don’t know? I’ve got half a mind to give every single one of them cancer for spending all of their time pestering me about this.

“Who ever came up with this idea that I like it when people bother me at all hours of the day and night, constantly questioning my decision making?  This is one that I made years ago.   And now, they have the nerve to consider their wants and needs superior to mine?  And it not just one person who persistently belabors the point, they get all of their friends and family, and sometimes even strangers, to interrupt what I’m doing and beg me to change my decision on this.  They're relentless!

"They train their kids to annoy me every night right before they go to bed.  And the kids do exactly as they're told.  Every night, it’s the same damned stuff.  'God bless Mommy and Daddy;  God bless Grandma and Grandpa;  God bless Aunt Shaniqua and Uncle Rolondo;  God bless baby Kahlif;  God bless my dead brother, Jamarcus;  God bless . . .'”  

"What?  Wait a second!  You want me to bless your dead brother?  Your dead brother?  You’re too late, numb-nuts, there’s no need for you to pray for your dead brother because he's already dead!  And, if you must know, he’s serving eternity in hell, so you can any hope of redemption goodbye!”

“Bless my dead brother. . . ”    I don't believe it.  Enough already! That kid said the exact same prayers last night.  What’s up with that?  Do they think that I don’t remember?   

"And that’s not the worst part. The worst part is when they go behind my back and pray to my mother!  That's right, they pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary to get her to intercede, trying to make me feel guilty for saying no to her.  Everyone knows how hard it is for me to say no to my mother. 

“Stop this nonsense, or I’ll send down plague and pestilence the likes of which you’ve never seen or heard of before.  I'll go old testament on you!”

ACT OF CONTRITION - BY A DEFENDANT IN CRIMINAL COURT

One of the first things that a good Catholic boy or girl learns as early as the second or third grade is how to recite the Act of Contrition.

Most kids that age can’t even understand the prayer.  (I used to say that I was “hardly sorry,” instead of “heartily sorry.”  If God ever caught that, he'd have been pissed!)  That's right, we had to memorize the prayer verbatim, otherwise not only would God ignore the prayer, He could use it to enhance your punishment.  

Yes, regardless of the intentions of the kid saying the prayer, if he or she didn’t nail every word perfectly, The Big Guy could invoke his right to reject the prayer as being fatally defective.  An invalid prayer.

Later, when I became a lawyer I decided to teach my clients a variation of the Catholic Act of Contrition by turning it into a plea to the court for approval of a favorable plea bargain.

Here’s the Catholic Act of Contrition:

Oh, my God,

I am heartily sorry, for having offended thee. 

And I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell.

But most of all, because they offend thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love.

I firmly resolve, with the help of they grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life.

Amen.

And here’s my “Criminal Defendant’s Plea”:

May it please The Court,

I am truly remorseful, for having violated probation.  

And I detest all my offenses, because I dread the heavy fines and the long jail sentence. 

But most of all, because I’ve betrayed thee, Your Honor, who art a fair and just jurist, deserving of strict obedience by the public.

I firmly enter into a deal, with the help of counsel, to plead guilty, get reinstated on the same terms and conditions, and resume my life as a law abiding citizen.

Respectfully submitted.

THREE AMERICANS WHOSE COMBINED LIFESPANS ENCOMPASSES THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Josiah Quincy III, William Randolph Hearst & Mark Joseph Sullivan

              The intersection of the lives of Josiah Quincy III, William Randolph Hearst, and Mark J Sullivan encompasses the entire history of the United States of America.

Josiah Quincy III

On February 4, 1772, future lawyer, educator and political figure Josiah Quincy III was born on Marlborough Street in Boston. 

Quincy attended Harvard College, and went on to become a lawyer, but he was drawn to public service.  Upon his election to Congress, he moved to Washington, D.C. to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives.

Quincy also served as a judge, Mayor of Boston and President of Harvard College.  The historic Quincy Market which still existes in downtown Boston is named in his honor.
Josiah Quincy retired to his family’s farm in Quincy and died there on July 1, 1864. 

William Randolph Hearst
On April 29, 1863, in the middle of the American Civil War, future Congressman, newspaper owner and publishing magnate William Randolph Hearst was born in San Francisco, California.

            Like Quincy, Hearst studied at Harvard and ran for public office.  He moved to Washington, D.C. after being elected to the House.

After serving in Congress, Hearst became an immensely wealthy and successful newspaper publisher.  He lived most of his adult life in Southern California, building and living in his magnificent castle at San Simeon.  
Hearst died in Beverly Hills on August 14, 1951.
Mark J Sullivan

            On January 17, 1946, future attorney Mark Joseph Sullivan was born in Quincy, Massachusetts. 

He lived on Marlborough Street in Boston while attending the University of Massachusetts, graduating magna cum laude in 1972.

He then moved to Washington to attend American University’s Washington College of Law.  He graduated in 1974 and took the California Bar Exam.

Sullivan was admitted to the California Bar in 1974, and started his law career in San Francisco.

In 1979, he moved to Southern California.  He practiced in Beverly Hills for two years before moving to Palm Springs where he established his current practice.  He has continually resided and practiced in Palm Springs since 1981.   

WHAT THE THREE HAVE IN COMMON

SULLIVAN:               Born, Quincy, Massachusetts;

                                      Lived on Marlborough Street in Boston;

                          Attended college in Boston;

                          Moved to Washington, D.C.;

                          Became a Lawyer;

                          Started practicing law in San Francisco;                                    

                          Practiced in Beverly Hills;

                          Spent later years in Southern California.

QUINCY:         

                          Born, Boston, Massachusetts;

                                      Lived on Marlborough Street in Boston;

                                      Attended college in Boston;

                                      Became a Lawyer;

                                      Moved to Washington, D.C.;

                                      Retired to Quincy, Massachusetts;

                                      Died, Quincy, Massachusetts.

HEARST:                    

                                      Born, San Francisco, California;

                                      Attended college in Boston;
                                      Moved to Washington, D.C.;
                                      Spent later years in Southern California;
                                      Died, Beverly Hills, California.

THE SIGNIFICANCE

JOSIAH QUINCY III  (February 4, 1772 - July 1, 1864) was born four years before the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.

            WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST (April 29, 1863 - August 14, 1951) was born a year before QUINCY’S death on July 1, 1864.

MARK J SULLIVAN (January 17, 1946 - ) was born five years before HEARST’S death on August 14, 1951;

The combined lifespan of these three individuals from February 4, 1772 to the present extends throughout the entire history of the United States, starting before the Declaration of Independence was signed and continuing to this day. 

In other words, there's never been an event in the nation’s history that didn’t occur while at least one of these three individuals was alive.

HOW A LAWYER CAN TELL IF HIS WITNESS IS LYING

HOW A LAWYER CAN TELL IF THE WITNESS IS LYING

"Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm Sicilian. My father was the world heavy-weight champion of Sicilian liars. From growing up with him I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away. A guy’s got seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen.  But, if you know them, like you know your own face, they beat lie detectors all to hell." 

True Romance (1993), quote from character Vincenzo Coccotti.

Pan·to·mime (pan′tə mīm′)
noun
Action or gesture without words which may serve as a means of involuntary expression.

Tell (/tel/)
noun
(esp. in poker) An unconscious but detectable sign or movement that betrays an attempted deception.

The following are some of the more common and prevalent tells that most lawyers quickly recognize during a witness's testimony, either in trial or in a deposition, or even just in conversation with them or with the police. As Vince Coccotti would say, they beat lie detectors all to hell.

Body Language (Facial)

Use of hands to cover mouth while answering;

Erratic blinking;

Looking away at last moment;

Touching one’s own face;

Smiling with one’s mouth only, not with his or her eyes or cheeks.

Eye contact?  No, not necessarily!  (Whether the witness makes eye contact or not isn't a reliable indicator.  This is a common misconception.)

Body Language (Other)

Folding one’s arms;

Unusual use of gestures, e.g., avoiding natural gestures such as pointing, but using unnatural gestures excessively;

Nervous use of one’s hands, feet, legs;  "happy feet."

Shrugging; mumbling;

Picking of lint from clothes;

Using hands to dust off the table (or witness stand) in front of the witness;

Sitting with one's body askew (indicating a flight instinct), or leaning toward getting off stand;

Rigidity;  slouching;  fidgeting;

Placing something in between oneself & questioner;

Unusual sweating;  SLN (Sweating Like Nixon); 

When trying to recall, looking down as opposed to looking up;  (Looking up indicates a genuine attempt to recall.  Looking down indicates the opposite, an attempt to plot a way to avoid having to give the answer.)

Showing discomfort with silence between questions.

Content Of Response To Question

TMI; Offering more information than necessary;

Being overly specific, especially with irrelevant facts;

Repeating the question outloud to oneself;

Finishing the answer with a sarcastic, self-serving statement;  “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I'll get back to earning a living so I can support my family.”


Avoiding use of contractions;  “No, I did not” as opposed to “No, I didn’t.


Avoiding use of pronouns;  “Gerald & I were walking together and I looked at Gerald and I noticed Gerald suddenly stopping,” as opposed to “Gerald and I were walking together and I noticed him suddenly stop.”

Pausing (“ah,” “um,” etc.) during answer;

Resorting to use of evasive answers;  “Why would I do that?”

Stalling before answering;  Pretending not to understand question;  “What was that now?” or “Repeat that?” etc.

Pretending not to have heard question;  “I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” or  “Is that even a question?”

Expressing concern about significance of question;  “I’m not sure I know what you’re driving at,” etc.

Use of scripted answers;

Use of unusual words;

Mispronouncing words, especially easy words that are not usually mispronounced, and then, not attempting to correct oneself;

Finding the need to explain every discrepancy;

Needing to justify one’s own inability to remember;  (“I don’t remember.  I mean, how could I?  It’s been over a year now.”)

Attempting to justify one’s own unusual conduct;  (“I'd have never stolen those jeans.  I hate people who wear expensive jeans.”)

Unusual emphasis on honesty; (“In all honesty, ” “To the best of my recollection,” “You’ve got to believe me,” “To tell you the truth,” etc.)

Claiming truthfulness; (e.g., “I’m a very honest person.  Just ask my friends.”)

Using oaths, “I swear on my child’s life.” 

When confronted with an implausibility,  “Well, that’s not the way I remember it.” 

Speech

Volume falls off at end of answer;  Change in pitch;  Rate of speech;

Throat clearing, cough, sniffles.

Attitude

Defensiveness at being asked the question;  ("What exactly are you trying to accuse me of, anyway?")

Attempt to change subject, especially to a topic that interests many people; 

Expression of relief at a change of subject.